People who say that they only want peace on Earth and goodwill toward men this holiday season are full of it. Even in this time of biweekly bailouts, everyone wants at least a little treat from his or her partner, friends and relatives.

But let’s face it: Whether you are pinching pennies or are torn between buying those Aldo shoes for your boyfriend or keeping them for yourself, shopping for gifts this year has been rough. Spangler Tim Marshall (who loves anything from H&M and could use a new coffee pot) is here to help. He’s scoured Cleveland in search of local gift ideas for the many people in your life. His suggestions may not be recession-proof, but they are sure to please and make you look like a star once the wrapping paper comes off.

And with three shopping days till Hanukkah and six till Christmas, you don't have time to dither anyway. Get cracking!

For that sickeningly sweet couple who just moved in together
Be honest: When you say things like “Oh, you two are perfect together!” or “I’m so happy you found each other!” you really mean “If you continue to make out in public I will shove my Steve Madden ankle boot so far up your …” They drive you crazy, but they are still your friends (for now). As much as you’d love to buy them A Couple’s Guide to Self-Restraint — even if they, with their nose-nuzzling, pet-name-calling ways, deserve it — opt for something they can put to good use in their new living situation, a designer salad-bowl set from Tremont’s Banyan Tree (2242 Professor Ave., 216.241.1209) for example. Pick a nice one, something over which there will be a huge custody battle when the two part ways.

For your bitter single friend
You know whom I mean. Though s/he’s given up on the dating scene, this poor soul endlessly hits on straight bartenders at Applebee’s and wears a ratty old “going out” shirt to CVS just in case someone hot happens to be browsing in the deodorant aisle. Your long-faced pal needs a life and you, hippy hipster, are the one to provide it. Pick your friend up on a Saturday afternoon for a head-to-toe makeover at The Studio, a funky Paul Mitchell Focus Salon in Ohio City (1887 Fulton Rd, 216.281.1887). Next, pop over to the nearby Dean Rufus House of Fun (1422 W. 29th St., 216.348.1FUN) to pick out some updated garb for an evening out on East Fourth. Start with a Mexican dinner at Zocalo (2071 E. 4th St., 216.781.0420) followed by club-hopping a plenty. When your friend cracks a smile for the first time in months, quickly ask for compensation in the form of another round at Kevin’s Martini Bar inside Pickwick & Frolic (2035 E. 4th St., 216.241.7425).

For the lesbian(s) in your life
The old stereotypical standby present for our Sapphic sisters — tickets to the Cleveland Rockers — is long gone. Fortunately, the Burning River Roller Girls offer a sexier, more modern alternative. Present the tickets with some official BRRG gear. Not sure how these screaming skaters will go over with your best gal pal? No worries. Perhaps tickets to the Jan. 2 Hot Cha Cha concert at the Grog Shop (2785 Euclid Heights Blvd No. 1 in Coventry Village, 216.321.5588) would be better. Ring in the New Year with this quirky quartet of self-proclaimed “dirty girls” who are helping to put Cleveland on the queer music map.

For those ally parents of yours
So they don’t march in the pride parade, but they are still your parents, and for the most part they’re cool with the fact that, unlike some of the uncles in your family, you are open about your sexuality. Bring them in from the suburbs to catch the The Santaland Diaries at Cleveland Public Theatre (6415 Detroit Ave., 216.631.2727) followed by dinner around the corner at the Stone Mad (1306 W. 65th St., 216.281.6500), a venue lovely enough to impress the most discriminating Martha Stewart-worshiping moms with a menu manly enough for the butchest armchair quarterback fathers.

For that special someone
You are stressed. You had the perfect gift idea for you and your sweetie this year: cooking classes taught by Iron Chef Michael Symon at Lolita. You’re a genius! Too bad the entire 2009 schedule sold out within minutes of it being posted online. So now what? You’re not up Gift Creek, yet. Unless this idea brings up any self-esteem issues your love may have, sign the two of you up for couple’s personal training sessions at 121 Fitness (2130 Adelbert Road, 216.368.1121). This probably isn’t the most romantic suggestion ever, but whether you are a pair of gym bunnies or Roseanne and Dan Connor’s queer counterparts, couple’s training is a great bonding experience. One caveat: Never wear matching track suits at the gym. During your sessions you want to look like a power couple, not a couple of dorks.

For those special someones
It’s the time of giving, and you like to give and give (or, as the case may be, receive and receive). Not one to settle down — maybe you’re still waiting for your soul mate (ha!) or are merely sowing those wild organic oats — you have a couple of paramours to shop for this year. Avoid tacky gifts from Spencer’s or Ambience (red faux silk boxers that say things like “North Pole”) and opt for something that’s both classic and much classier: a night out on you (in the sense that you pay, that is). You cover dinner and every single drink. You pick up the other person (yeah, do this one person at a time, you player). Head to Luxe (6605 Detroit Ave., 216.920.0600) and treat your date to something from the signature cocktail menu that reminds you of him or her (if you have no clue, make something up). The Joy is sweet and cheery. The Dark & Stormy brooding and full of bite. You’ll find something for each of your, ahem, friends. And the crowd is generally hot enough that when your date steps away for a minute, you’ll be sure to meet your next love interest.

For the activist who has everything
You don’t think twice about most Clevelanders, but you really respect this person. S/he attends every meeting of the Stonewall Democrats and every political rally organized by the Center; hosts local parties for Lambda Legal, GLAAD and the National Gay and Lesbian Taskforce; and is the first person off the bus on Equality Ohio’s annual Lobby Day. Recognize your bud’s tireless efforts on behalf of our community and make a donation to a local or national LGBT rights organization in his or her name. Most groups worth their salt offer this option, which usually includes a thank-you letter or small gift acknowledging your good deed in honor of your friend. 

For that friend who just came out
Everybody knows somebody who’s new to this side of the closet door. Indulge your newly anointed pal’s rainbow phase with pride stickers and T-shirts from Kitsch City (6511 Detroit Ave., 216.651.2489). For a crash course on queer music, grab some current or classic fag-favorite tunes from Diverse Universe (12011 Detroit Ave., 216.221.4297). Lastly, prepare your friend for, well, you know, with some, you know, from Body Language (Link so not safe for work! 11424 Lorain Ave., 216.251.3330).

For the lush(es) in your life
Look beyond the typical gift of Great Lakes Brewing Company’s Christmas Ale, no matter how much you love its 900 gazillion percent alcohol content. If your buddy is adventurous, sign him or her up for the Winking Lizard Beer Tour, in which participants must consume 100 bottles of ale from all four corners of the globe. Those who complete the tour receive a special gift (a new liver, perhaps?).  For your more refined associates, take advantage of Market Avenue Wine Bar’s (2521 Market Ave. in Ohio City, 216.696.9463) wine-to-go program, which offers great labels at great prices. Pick up a designer bottle topper at duoHome (6507 Detroit Ave., 216.651.4411) and your presentation is complete.

Happy shopping from the merry elves at Spangle!

Comments (0)

Subscribe to this comment's feed