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Apple’s iPhone has been out, like, a little more than a year. And if you don’t have one, you’re, like totally uncool. (Ed. note: I’m apparently uncool and still living in a non-3G universe.)
On this, the six-month mark (or thereabouts) of Apple’s opening of the iPhone platform for third-party-application developers, Spangle columnist Mike Shea wonders wistfully:
What if they made iPhone applications for the gays?
No. 1: X-Men
The smaller the gay scene, the larger the chance that the guy you’re dating also dated your ex — or a few of them. Or, if the scene has had an issue with brain drain (ahem), he’s dated ALL of them. Or slept with them. Sometimes ALL of them. Sometimes AT ONCE.
Regardless, there’s something nice about being able to slip under the covers with someone who hasn’t already learned from three other guys you’ve dated that you’re a screamer during the big O moment. This community application allows you to input your date’s name into its ever-evolving database of men in your area, and immediately a family-tree like chart shows the guys your date has been with, broken into three categories: 1) dated, 2) slept with, or 3) “ I can’t really remember because I was way too drunk and really horny and my friend Alan dared me to.” The perfect app for revenge sex.
No. 2: Race 2 Last Call
Using the latest in GPS technology, Google Maps and the last five pages of Outlines Magazine, “Race 2 Last Call” is the highest-ranking iPhone app for the LGBT community. Since most bars have varying degrees of “flexibility” when it comes to when they stop serving alcohol because of a slight, ongoing problem with synching their wall clocks to Greenwich Mean Time, every weekend night hoards of night clubbers race from bar to bar between 1:30 and 2:30 a.m. to down one more Vodka & Juicy Juice before being forced to return home to their empty beds and late-night Discovery Channel shows about sand crabs (and we’re not talking about your ex either).
This app shows you: 1) where you are, 2) the fastest route to the bar next in line with a last call for alcohol, 3) your icon moving on the GPS map as you drive there too fast, 4) where you end up because you were texting someone and took a wrong turn onto some back street in Tremont you never knew existed, 5) how much time you have to get to the next bar before the drinks are pulled out of everyone’s hands and 6) a continually updating graph showing the percent chance you’re going to get a DUI before the end of the night.
NOTE: The update of Version 2.0 includes a list of bail bondsmen in your area.
No. 3: Outfitrageous!
The perfect application for small-gay-scene living! After starving for many years without decent clothing stores to help adorn one’s self for nights out on the town, many small cities are now being flooded with fashion-forward-thinking outlets like Express, H&M, Urban Outfitters and Nordstrom. Suddenly, everyone (and I mean, E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E) in the scene is wearing their clothes. All at once. At the same time. In the same club. On the same night. How embarrassing (or pathetic — still deciding on that one).
This fancy app scans the barcode of the clothing item you’re considering dropping $200 on to see how many guys in your town bought the exact same item in the past 30 days. You can sort by ZIP code, size and whether one of your friends bought it recently, too. Just remember to spill a drink on them.
No. 4: Where’s Mr. Fluffins?
It’s the first date and you’ve been invited back to his place. Who knows what fun could be had tonight, huh?! Yet there’s nothing that could cause you to fall down flat instead of standing up straight than if Leo the lawyer also has a Leo the lion shedding all over his pad ready to trigger your hyper-allergic reaction to anything that is hairy, plays with balls and complains whenever it’s feeding time (just like you).
Since the little buggers usually hide at first, ready to surprise you with their existence three hours later while you’re testing your ability to still not have a gag reflex after all these years, this application lets you know up front if the homestead is going to be Blue-Balls Free (trademark). Just hold your iPhone to the floor and the app senses if that pet hair you think you’re seeing is from the cat in the house or from the “pet” who brought you home.
No. 5: The 3P (Pronto Profile Purger)
Suddenly, you meet the guy of your dreams. He’s everything you ever wanted, everything you wanted to rub in your friends’ faces, everything you wanted to take to that three-hour Catholic wedding your sister’s having in March. Then, while you the two of you are snuggling in the bar where you met, you realize you have lots and lots and lots and lots (and lots) of “interesting” pictures of you in “interesting” poses in full public view online on a variety of personal profiles. One look at any of those, and Mr. Right might not be buying your entire claim to being a romantic at heart when he recognizes you later under the profile name of “Piggy Pen’d” with your noted preference for groups, voyeurism and something involving KFC, a lawn chair and a pair of socks.
Instead of racing back home at 85 mph to delete your profiles before he can get home and double-check that “familiar cheek-bone” in a profile he saw the other night, this application allows you to temporarily disable all of your online profile pages with just one click. Then, if he ends up blowing you off, being a jerk or lame in bed, they can be quickly and easily turned back on (so all of the guys online who kept hitting on you whom you weren’t interested in one bit can do so all over again).
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